What would you do if your child told you they were born in the wrong body? For Julie Furneaux, Group Network Administrator at RiskSTOP, that moment marked the start of an emotional journey filled with love, learning, and pride.
In the latest People at the Heart podcast, Julie shares her story about supporting her son Niko as he transitioned and the lessons she’s learned along the way.
Released during Transgender Awareness Week (13-19th November), the episode explores Julie’s personal transformation alongside Niko’s. From the surprise of his announcement to embracing new pronouns and navigating life’s challenges, Julie talks about what it means to be a supportive parent and the importance of communication.
The podcast sheds light on the challenges transgender people often face and celebrates the resilience Niko has shown. “Niko coming out as transgender has made me a better person,” Julie says.
Ready to hear more? Tune in now to listen to Julie’s story and join the conversation.
Listen to the podcast now:
Transcript:
SPEAKERS
Jo Camp, Julie Furneaux
Jo Camp 00:11
Hi everyone, I'm Jo Camp and welcome to another episode of People at the Heart, where we have conversations about serious and light hearted topics from our team here at RiskSTOP Group. I'm delighted to welcome Julie from RiskSTOP to the podcast. Julie is here to share her story as a proud mother of a transgender son and their journey of love, support and acceptance. Julie, thank you so much for being here. It's a pleasure having you on the podcast. Can you start by telling us a bit about how you navigated early stages of Niko's journey?
Julie Furneaux 00:43
I was very lucky, because Niko is so strong willed. It was very much led by Niko. I took a lot of my cues from him moving forward, but it was a shock.
Jo Camp 01:01
I bet it was. So talking about the shock to you. Can you tell me how you processed that and what was the important part to educate and understand for him emotionally? What was his journey?
Julie Furneaux 01:19
I knew from a young age that Niko was gay, probably about 9 or 10. So when he came out and said he was gay, I wasn't surprised. He actually said to me, why didn't you tell me? Which I just thought was absolutely hilarious and I said to him it was not my place to tell you love, you're the one that's come out to me. So that wasn't really a surprise. When he then, about a year later, said he identified as transgender, now that was a surprise. Mainly due to my lack of understanding of transgender and what it meant. I'd never known anybody. I didn't know anything. So that was a surprise to me. The way I dealt with that was just, well the first thing I said to him was, what pronouns do I use? That was the only thing I knew about transgender, was they used different pronouns. That was it. And I was horrified that that's all I knew. So that was the first question I asked him, and he said he identified as he/him. So I said to him, right, I'm going to get this wrong. You know, 16-17 years you've been she/her, and now you're he/him. That sounds really weird to me saying that now...
Jo Camp 02:45
Because he's always just he/him now.
Julie Furneaux 02:47
Yeah, yeah. I look at him now and it is him. It's who he is, it's who his true soul is.
Jo Camp 02:57
And to finally be happy in your skin, and because there must have been an emotional upset for him.
Julie Furneaux 03:04
I can't imagine what it was like for him. Now, at the time, Niko was away in Exeter doing maths, he was only at home Monday to Friday, so it was one weekend when he came home and we had this discussion. So he'd obviously been processing this at school. So I didn't see that initial processing stage that other parents may see. So it was just a case of wow, okay, right, let's do this.
Jo Camp 03:40
Yeah, of course. And so what was the first steps for you on going through the process to get to Niko?
Julie Furneaux 03:52
Getting the pronouns right every time, was the first step. I would say, after that, it was finding the fine line between announcing it to the world, and actually, this is a private journey. But equally, I had to come into, no, I chose to come into work and tell people. Because everybody had heard me talk about my daughter and use her birth name, and now all of a sudden it was going to be he/him, Niko. So I made the decision to tell my team. For me, to be able to normalise this as much as possible and to get over the the first hurdle of acceptance for everybody and myself, you know. It was important that I just went straight in with everybody. Two sons, Niko. I just told my team, I just came on to the floor, told my team, and I'm lucky, we're all lucky. As far as I'm concerned, we're all lucky we work for RiskSTOP. It's an amazing company, but my team within RiskSTOP is amazing as well. So I've had total, total support. A couple of times people got it wrong to start with. Not anymore.
Jo Camp 05:19
So going into like everyday life, when Niko went back to university after his surgery, how was that for him?
Julie Furneaux 05:28
Every step of this journey has made me so proud of him, every single step. So he was hoping initially to, he'd completed his first year at university and he was hoping to work through his second year and do his uni. Well, the stress of doing his degree and work came to a point where he had to make a decision. So we sat down, we talked about the options of what he could do, and in the end, he decided the best thing for him would be to put his university on hold for a year, work to pay for the surgery, have the surgery, recover, go back to uni to pick up his second year. Cardiff University were absolutely amazing, absolutely amazing, and put it all into place for him, sorted it all out, so that wasn't a problem. So it was about this time last year he came back.
Jo Camp 06:34
Is it something that they're used to at the university? Niko's not the first? It's great that more people have the options and the support available for them to find and be in their own skin.
Julie Furneaux 06:53
Cardiff were amazing because they said to him, you're not the first student we've had go through this, which made Niko feel a lot better. Because it's a very isolating decision to make.
Jo Camp 07:08
Yeah, at that moment in time he's wasn't feeling like he was him. So to then feel if someone was giving you negativity around it, or not supporting you through it can also change how you then feel, or might give you a negativity about your journey. And it's great that he was planning for the future, that he knew that he had to be comfortable, safe and mentally ready for this journey to then finish what his life is becoming.
Julie Furneaux 07:39
He thought lot about, I'm failing at uni. That was a big thing for him. "But I'm failing." No, you're not. People take gap years all the way through.
Jo Camp 07:51
So does he feel, when he went back that he was more ready to go straight back into it?
Julie Furneaux 07:59
He's only been back a few months.
Jo Camp 08:00
Oh, really?
Julie Furneaux 08:00
Yes, yeah. So he came home this time last year. And then he went back to university in October.
Jo Camp 08:09
And do you feel like he's different at university? Does he seem any different, a lot happier?
Julie Furneaux 08:15
He's different full stop. The confidence he has in himself now.
Jo Camp 08:21
Yeah, because that's all you want for your children.
Julie Furneaux 08:23
When you see them come through something and then you see how much more confident he is in himself. It's hard not to think, oh, wow, why didn't he do this before?
Jo Camp 08:36
And would you have any advice or where you've gone through your journey to educate yourself or influencers that have helped you along the way.
Julie Furneaux 08:48
There's two people I follow on social media. One is a gentleman and his girlfriend, he's transgender, and his girlfriend is asexual, I believe. And they do a lot on social media about getting the transgender message out there. He's only a young chap, in his 20s. And they are absolutely lush. They're so lovely. They talk about anything and everything and they do open questions and it's great. It's a great opportunity for people to ask questions. There's never a silly question. Please ask me, because if you don't know, I might not know. And then I think it's something I should know because of my son. So I always say just ask questions. And then there's another lady that I follow on social media who her son is transgender as well. So I've learned a lot.
Jo Camp 09:52
It's great that we've now got those levels of social media influencers to help us.
Julie Furneaux 10:01
Well, there could be somebody out there who's thinking, I don't feel right in my body. I don't know what it is, I don't understand, I don't fit in, I don't feel right. And they may not be transgender. I'm not saying that everybody who doesn't feel right is transgender, but there's lots of platforms now where people can find out, and that's the thing. It's about making it not a taboo subject. I have read on social media, unfortunately, that on social media, there is the other side. And I've read, why do they need a special week dedicated just to them. Why do we need, if they feel normal, why do they need to go on about it all the time? And it's not about going on about it all the time. It's about people talking about it.
Jo Camp 10:55
It's the pride thing, right? And also, like the pride of how you've come through this.
Julie Furneaux 11:02
They've had to face adversities that a lot of people haven't got anyone to talk to about. They haven't got anybody who's been through the same thing. I've never known anyone who's transgender.
Jo Camp 11:17
And also the fear of how it can be received from family members, from friends. Are they going to support me? Are they going to stay around and really find out where that love and true friendship and support comes from, I suppose.
Julie Furneaux 11:32
What that does is, that brings out the pride in yourself. It brings out the ability to be able to walk down the road with your head held high being who you truly are.
Jo Camp 11:46
It sounds like you definitely walk down the street with your head up higher now.
Julie Furneaux 11:50
I am so proud of my son. Oh, my Lord. Everything he has been through every day, Niko fights a new challenge with something and his friends, I've got to know lots of amazing young people who have an array of different sexual orientation and I'm just so proud of them all. They're amazing. To be able to go against a society that says what the gender norm should be and they're going, well, I don't fit into that, and I'm proud of it, and I'm going to walk down the street and I'm going to be proud of myself. Niko coming out as transgender has made me a better person. Now I thought for quite some time about that statement, because I thought that's quite a selfish thing to say, but it's not because I've looked at somebody else who has gone against society to be who they truly are, and I've taken strength from my son.
Jo Camp 13:01
With that in mind, how do you see the future for educate, education?
Julie Furneaux 13:09
It's communication. It's people talking. It's people making it the norm. Seeing it on TV, listening to it on the radio. It's just people talking about something.
Jo Camp 13:29
Do you think we're turning a corner now when it comes to, I mean, you think back it was any form that you would fill out and it's male or female. Do you feel like we're starting to see the change of how this is going to be so much easier.
Julie Furneaux 13:46
It doesn't matter what form you fill out now. For absolutely anything, not only do you see male/female, but you also see you prefer not to identify? People don't have to identify who they are. I don't walk around with a flag saying, I identify as female. I identify as female. Why should my son have to tell everybody he's transgender? He is a man. I have two sons and so everything now he identifies as a male. We've been through the whole process of passports and birth certificates and driving licenses and, you know, bank accounts, everything.
Jo Camp 14:41
And was that a lot harder doing it for Niko as it would, applying for yourself.
Julie Furneaux 14:47
Absolutely. Everything has got to be accompanied by his birth certificate. So the very first thing we changed was his birth certificate. And then he came to me and said, I want to change my passport. I was like okay, not sure why you're making a big thing of it. And he said, because once I get my passport changed, I don't have to show my amended birth certificate anymore. Because up until that point, he was still going, I'm transgender.
Jo Camp 15:21
Where he's not.
Julie Furneaux 15:22
He's not, he's a man. And so once he'd got his passport changed, he then only has to offer his passport as identification, which says male. So he doesn't have to think of himself as
Jo Camp 15:38
It makes it more than just a passport to travel around the world. It's his identity, which is amazing. So Julie, you've talked about Niko's side of transitioning, but can we also go into how you've moved through these difficult emotions as a mother, and any advice that you would have for parents who may be facing similar feelings or uncertainty
Julie Furneaux 16:06
Once I'd got over the initial surprise of Niko's coming out to me, I did go through a lot of reflection within myself. I went through a lot of self blame.
Jo Camp 16:23
Oh, really?
Julie Furneaux 16:24
Oh yeah, yeah, very much so. What did I do wrong when I grew him that I put the wrong body on the wrong soul?
Jo Camp 16:38
Wow, that's that's a lot of...
Julie Furneaux 16:42
Quite deep
Jo Camp 16:43
It is. It is very deep.
Julie Furneaux 16:46
I mean, that's the truth of how I felt
Jo Camp 16:48
And responsibility to put on yourself!
Julie Furneaux 16:49
I blamed myself because I carried him, I bought him into the world. So what did I do wrong?
Jo Camp 16:56
And did you feel that because you were worried about what's going to come for Niko and the process, or was that just because you felt like the beginning of his life wasn't how it should have been.
Julie Furneaux 17:15
I felt that it was. It's my responsibility to raise my boys. I'm a single parent. My boys are very lucky, I think, because I have a very good relationship with their dad.We've all been through this together. But at the end of the day, it was me that carried him, and I thought, I've done this wrong, which has put extra stress into his life that no one needs, and it took me a long time to get over that.
Jo Camp 17:54
Did you ever explain to Niko that you felt that way?
Julie Furneaux 17:57
Yeah. Niko and I have a very open relationship. We talk about everything, and that's very important to me with both my boys. But with Niko, it was very important to me that he talked to me about absolutely everything he was feeling, he was going through. So that he always knew I was there for him. He always knew he could come to me, but also so that he could process those feelings, so that he didn't just bottle them up.
Jo Camp 18:27
And did he help you process your feelings? Absolutely, 100%, yeah.
Julie Furneaux 18:31
I spoke to him about it, about how I was feeling, and in his wonderful, blunt way, he just went, 'That's ridiculous.'
Jo Camp 18:40
I mean, you've grown him to be a healthy child. You've brought him in healthy. And the rest is history now.
Julie Furneaux 18:50
Yeah, and it was talking to him. I've had a lot of counseling sessions, which, again, I've been quite open about at work, because I needed someone to talk to. I needed to be able to discuss these feelings of, what did I do wrong? And now I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but that was my journey. To support him, I had to understand the process for myself. For me, that was the hardest part of the journey, was going through that.
Jo Camp 19:32
And then when you had those discussions of, okay, I am now a boy, a he, where did Niko come from? Did you the name Niko?
Julie Furneaux 19:46
He didn't like the last one I chose for him. I went through all the anguish of choosing the first one and you ditched that!
Jo Camp 19:56
I mean, it's a really stressful time to think of the forever name.
Julie Furneaux 20:01
Yeah, he decided he didn't want that one. No, no, I'm not going to do this the second time. We laugh and joke about things in our household, you know, I said to him, you didn't like the one that I gave you the first time. This is yours. This is your journey.
Jo Camp 20:20
Did he ask you if you wanted an input in the name or...
Julie Furneaux 20:25
No, not at all. Obviously, really did not like your choices of names. Really didn't like the first choice! The name that I assigned to him at birth, he wouldn't even use that one. Yeah, he really didn't like it.
Jo Camp 20:44
Son number two, likes his name though, yeah? Evan? Yeah! Oh good, that's great. I mean, at least it was only one.
Julie Furneaux 20:49
But Niko, he made it very clear from a very, very young age that he did not like his name. He would not be known as that name, chose a new one and then that was it. And so when we was going through this particular section of his transition, he said, 'What do you think?' and I went, no, I'm not doing it!
Jo Camp 21:12
You tell me. and that's it.
Julie Furneaux 21:13
That's not my choice!
Jo Camp 21:14
I love that.
Julie Furneaux 21:16
I love it!
Jo Camp 21:16
I don't think I could pick another name after so long. Like you say, it's like, I've done my bit. It's now up to you. Over to you. With your support, you say you went to therapy, and you've had support from work, colleagues, friends and family.
Julie Furneaux 21:38
I class myself as very, very lucky in my everyday life, everyone has been supportive. That's 100%. That's my family, my friends, my work colleagues. Everybody has been 100% supportive.
Jo Camp 21:56
Would you have any advice to a parent that's going through this?
Julie Furneaux 22:01
Communication. It really is. I cannot stress it enough. Talk to people. Be honest, be honest about it. You know, ever since the first day Niko told me he was transgender, I was just like, okay, I've got two sons. But I do appreciate that not everybody is going to find it that easy to transition as a parent. Talk to your son or daughter. If you've got a partner, talk to them. Talk to your friends. Be honest. Don't be scared to say, I wish this hadn't happened. I wish it hadn't happened. I wish Niko had been born into a male body, but he wasn't. I wish he'd never have had to go through this. When Niko went into hospital to have his top surgery. It was the first time he'd ever been into hospital. So it was journey for both of us, but don't be afraid. Talk. Just talk to people.
Jo Camp 23:27
That there I would say is the best advice to give to everyone. And all I can say to you is, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today and being so open and sharing your journey of love and emotion and to the proudness that you have. It's great to see.
Julie Furneaux 23:48
Thank you to RiskSTOP and Ardonagh for giving me the opportunity to blow my trumpet about my two amazing boys.
Jo Camp 23:55
I think every mother should have this platform to have that moment! No, you definitely deserve it. No, it's great to see how happy you are, both of you. Thank you very much, Julie. Follow our socials for more episodes. We'll be back soon with all kinds of things to talk about and a variety of guests. And remember, here at RiskSTOP Group it's all about keeping people safe and secure and believing in our social responsibility and sustainability. Thank you, everyone for listening and goodbye for now.
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